She said I now owe someone an inheritance

Those words sounded like death’s knock had come to my door

I could no longer live the life I had become accustomed to

and I had to bury the decisions of the past below a tombstone marked “youthful exuberance”

I was going to be a father

I needed to disassociate myself from my childlike ways

Spend less time on chasing dreams and more on building a legacy

You were months away from birth yet you had given me new life

and the closest you got to a “hello”

was the sound made by a blob in a water sack on a black and white screen

at a rate of 155 beats per minute

I didn’t know where to start but I knew I needed to protect you

I had hoped for a girl but you had other plans

and I suppose that was the first time father and son didn’t agree

Your mother and I had nothing but love to give

Little did we know you had plans to leave

and that was the second time we didn’t see eye to eye

because you broke the heart of the one I called love of my life,

because of you she forgot how to smile

and I moved away from God for a while

You tasted air while I was not around

and the first time our eyes met,

yours were closed

and then I lay you in the ground

because you no longer belonged to the land of the living

That was the only day we were ever in the same room

You, your mother and a man who used to know how to be happy.

It feels like while I was searching you were waiting,

You make me feel illiterate

because I could not read the stop signs tattooed on their foreheads

I would let them court and start the journey but then realize I was falling,

making this trip alone and the person with arms wide open,

ready to catch me,

no longer resembled my soulmate

I suffocated in my own decisions,

lay in beds of wishful thinking

Hoping, praying that that time was the last time

Maybe I was just scared of lonely but you took too long to find me.

I shed tears on photographs that symbolized what I knew I wanted with you

And now that we are together, I wonder where have you been?

Probably loving girls who promised you forevers and afters

And I did the same with boys who made vows they couldn’t keep

So now their debts are yours

I blame you for the sweet words I never received

I blame you for the nights I cried because of another and you weren’t there to comfort me

I blame you for the hurt I endured while trying to find you

For the messages to God I felt fell on deaf ears

I blame you for f*cking with my faith

Yes, I said it.

If God is love, why did I have to work so hard for you when He gives His so easily?

Surely you were too busy listening to stories of how special you are from loves who couldn’t comprehend your value.

So I blame you for f*cking with my faith and all the “we need to talk” and “it’s not you it’s me”

All the “someone for your exists somewhere

I blame you because I am no longer by myself

Finally I have someone to share blame with

Jade Novelist ©️ 2017


Days are fine but nights can get too much

After a lifetime by myself,

I appreciate having someone else

But our pillows should only be strangers to anyone other than us

I love the attention and phone calls but hate love because it forms routine

Before you my voice was enough but now I need you as a lullaby

I understand you and the plans you have but don’t be gone too long

I celebrate the ambition but remember you are no longer alone

Don’t be so quick with the goodbyes

Chase your dreams and I will chase mine

Just remember I didn’t sign up for sleeping alone

Jade Novelist ©️ 2017