I believe I’m more spiritual than religious. I have faith but I’m not caught in the old ways. I don’t expect my wife to worship my existence and I get closer to getting a tattoo every day.

Some people say God is a fiction of the lonely, the lost. That God was created to explain the inexplicable.

Sometimes I question the thought but isn’t it strange that most people seek faith when times are difficult? To them God is an afterthought of misery, so how can He be more than a being of opportunity, giving hope to the disheartened?

I don’t know God anymore. It’s not a matter of faith but more a lack of understanding because years ago God allowed something I never expected to happen and I don’t understand why. I have questions and He is yet to answer and so I refuse to accept that God listens to my prayers. I ran out of words to say like the girl begging a stranger to stop or the child wishing their parents would care more or the abused who has run out of excuses, I have run out of words to say.

Maybe saying I don’t pray anymore is inaccurate, I just don’t pray for myself anymore. Not everyone knows loss, not everyone is struggling for a job and not everyone is struggling to feel love, so we each have our struggle but God comes through for some of us. So I’m good at praying for others, I’m good at telling them to hold on and that their miracle is on the way.

I wonder if it makes me a sinner for questioning His choices or more of a believer because like any son, I can admit I feel betrayed by my Father?

Jade Novelist ©️ 2018