Love is messed up. It is the most natural emotion and the most complex because it has so many forms. Unlike hate or anger, you can’t hate a friend differently to the way you hate a sibling, the action that made one feel the hatred will lead to different degrees of hatred but not forms. You can love your lover or parents to different extents but you can’t love you lover and parents in the same form.
If your love were a house and you had to choose four pillars to build your foundation on, what would they be and does your partner know them? Would they support you through life’s earthquakes? Does your partner understand what love encompasses for you?
Mine are; Communication, Loyalty, Intimacy & Spontaneity. I want my partner to know that for me, there is a difference between talking at me and talking to me. She needs to understand that I value trust, patience, reliability and dependability. There needs to be a connection that transcends the physical and pays homage to the emotional while allowing moments of primal lust. I’m not asking for balloon rides, hiking trips or even five star treatment, all I ask for is random “I love you” texts with more than just those three words, breakfast in bed and sometimes ask me to dance or go for walk, do something that shatters our routine.
I may know my pillars now but it took a lot of trial and error to figure it, so it would be unreasonable for me to expect someone to understand what love means to me, let alone how I want to be loved without me communicating that with them. It is easy to love but difficult to love someone correctly because we don’t understand their love language and the things that matter to them. A lot of people don’t believe the correct approach to love is to ask their partner to “teach them how to be loved” but how will you truly know you make them happy if you have never asked if how you love is what they want, remember sometimes are laughs and smiles are people just being polite. Take a moment and ask them how they want to be loved, and not take it as a reflection of yourself but rather a chance to grow closer to them. Who knows, maybe you have been doing it right all this while. Truth of the matter is actions speak louder than words and you can love someone with all your heart but if your actions push them away, then your love does nothing but hurt them and no one deserves a painful love.
From my past I have a learnt that not being yourself while trying to accept someone else causes resentment because you lose yourself in the fact that you’re with someone who is in love with someone you are not. I learnt that changing for someone else when they didn’t ask you to makes you bitter because you feel you aren’t getting what you give. I also learnt that there is a difference between sacrifice and compromise, sacrifice aims to make one person fulfilled while compromise takes into account the needs of both parties. I have had to make more sacrifices than I can count, each painful and each a lesson.
Everyone has a past and before someone else can accept yours, you need to accept it yourself. You need to accept that there were times you were happy and accept that there were times you were sad. Acknowledging that moments with someone else meant something to you does not mean that you are holding on to the past, it just means you know what you like and have the experience to back it up, and vice versa. You know what you don’t like because you have been through it. It is unfair for someone to hold your past against you but it is equally unfair to use your past as justification for how you treat someone who wants to love you.
If you are not ready to love, then don’t. The heart wants what it wants but you decide where your soul goes, who you touch and how close you let them to you, so love when you are ready.
Be patient with the one you are with, just because you are ready to love doesn’t mean they are. The fact that they are willing to try is a great first step. I would like to state that I don’t believe two people can love the each other the same, someone always loves more. Sometimes it’s the one who fell in love first because they had more time to prepare themselves for that step in the relationship and sometimes it is the one who fell last because it’s more new for them. I really do believe one person loves the other more, it’s why “You will never know what you mean to me” or “Words can’t describe what I feel for you” can bring tears to ones eye but just because someone loves you less than you love them, it doesn’t mean that they love anyone more than they love you.
Love when you are ready. Love when being hurt goes to the back of your mind and being with your person means more than breathing. Love can be toxic and it can beautiful. Love is complicated but when you get it right, love is unconditional.
Jade Novelist ©️ 2018