I remember like it was yesterdayAt times I smiled because I survived
No longer a victim but now a victor
Other times, I celebrate because it is I who was chosen.
I who was made to have an experience different from the regular sinner.
There are times I feel as if I could have done more
Made the memory more memorable
Made it more consensual
More sensual
Then there are times the movie plays in my head
How it was so passionate
The lust in his eyes for me
He threw me on the floor
Ripped my clothes off
And had his way with me
But then there are times I remember the role I played
The lack of character in my actions
I guess my “no” sounded like “yes”
And my “I’ve had enough” said “give me some more”
“Stop” was “go”
“You’re hurting me” was “deeper please”
I guess that’s why I just lay there and didn’t bother to say “let me leave”
I should have put more ooooomph in it
Today I sit here in this corner tear drenched
Fist clenched and I’m ready to fight
But no one hears me
I’m ready to stand up for the next you try to hurt
The next like you who tries it with me
But today is also one of those times I realize I don’t have a voice
Because someone took away my choice
On that day like a dog in a fight I kicked so hard,
Like A school boy at a soccer game I screamed so loud
That by the time I’d gotten home, after calling my friend, to share what had happened, I’d lost my voice physically
I’d lost my voice, spiritually
I’d simply lost my voice
I screamed so loud, I lost my voice
I screamed so hard, my words slurred
And thoughts blurred
But when I got home, they caught up to me
And they whispered… “You asked for it…”
As I entered and my mom greeted me, and asked “how is your uncle”
As I was about to my thoughts once again raced away and I let slip “he is okay, he is in a great mood”
But once they caught up to me again, beneath my breathe, I mumbled “satisfied with himself”
Jade Novelist © 2017